I was hoping to create cool pixel art for Pixel Day 2023 on Newgrounds, but I was extremely sick last night and it set back my mindset by quite a bit. For those who don't know, I suffer with a 24/7 migraine. There were eras of my life where headache pain was so bad that I would scream for hours in my bedroom. That has not happened to me in years, but it happened to me last night.

I feel like the more I try to live my life like I'm still in my mid twenties, the more I suffer in my mid thirties. I enjoyed alcohol more in January of this year than the entirety of 2022. Enjoying alcohol boosted my mental health by quite a bit because I'm an addict. I regularly want my brain to go from a 0 to a 1.

If I'm not doing recreational drugs, I'm often doing stuff like consuming sugar and other stuff to get my brain to function a certain way. It's a problem. I need to learn how to live a 100% drug free life without any drugs, including alcohol, sugar, and caffeine.

My energy levels are so bad that I'm thinking about quitting weight lifting at gyms. Whenever I do intensive workouts, I'm extremely hungry. After I eat, my brain hardly works well anymore and all I want to do is sleep for extremely long hours. My body handles food so badly nowadays that I might have to become someone who fasts all the time because eating seems to kill most of my physical and mental energy in my mid thirties.

I try to live like I'm in my mid twenties and it does not work well at all anymore. I look at beautiful people on social media and it makes me want to weight lift like crazy, but a lot of fitness social media influencers do this for a living. Their life is workout, eat good quality food, and get eight hours of sleep. I cannot do that. My body is a mess plagued by chronic health issues.

The more I compare myself to other people, the more I want to self harm, which is a huge problem. It's one of the reasons why I took the black pill. I cannot compare myself to others without going insane. All I can do is compare myself to who I was yesterday. It's unrealistic for me to compare myself to who I was when I was way younger because I'm not that person anymore. My body is different. I want to be this ultra healthy sexy person, but health and finance issues cause me a ton of problems.

Part of why I want to become an ultra healthy sexy person is because the male sex drive drives my brain to insanity. Like my sex drive is way higher in my thirties than it was in my teenage years and twenties, but I don't want to deal with consequences to sexual behavior. I wish the animal brain part of me was non-functional so my mind could stay focused on stuff that's more important. I hate that my mind is constantly consumed by lust.

What also drives me insane is the inflation we are experiencing right now. It has become unaffordable for most people to live a quality life without family support. We are creating a society where someone either needs to be high income or a workaholic just to be independent. California as a state has gone downhill when it comes to affordability. I'm extremely depressed and I feel like I need to become someone who rejects much of who I used to be in order for me to survive long-term.

Getting older is horrible because the human body ages like shit. We can only take so many hits. I struggle to deal with reality on a regular basis. I wish I could enjoy drugs every day to escape from reality, but that would lead to self destruction. I'm too self aware of consequences to live my life the way I want to live it because I don't want to ruin my future.