Do you ever evaluate your life, look at your love of consumerism, and question if your values suck? That's how I feel right now. I don't like a lot of decisions I made in my life as a byproduct of my love for consumerism. If consumerism was so great, then why are so many people so miserable despite having more options for entertainment than ever before?
I'm a very unhappy human being. I was not happy before the pandemic, but suicide has been on my mind nearly every day throughout the pandemic. I hate the world we live in right now. The more I think critically about the current state of society, the more I hate being alive. It has lead to me embracing addictions as a means to cope with my mental deterioration as a person.
Much of what I used to believe in do not represent my current values anymore. Today is the first time I decided to not vote in my adulthood and that has really messed with my mindset, but it was largely because all of the candidates who ran for office suck. Trying to find a candidate who somewhat represents my values in the 2022 California primary election was like trying to find a gem in a pile of shit. There is no gem in that pile of shit, it's just a pile of shit.
The other day when I woke up, my mom was listening to random songs and the song If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow came on. Hearing the line, "If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?" hit me hard. I feel like much of what I do is an attempt to bring some sort of happiness to my life, but lately, nothing really does that anymore. I'm extremely miserable and unhappy. I got much of what I wanted in life when it comes to consumerism, but yet I don't like my life. My material objects and consumerist habits I have embraced for much of my life do not make me happy. Part of me wants to fully reject consumerism and start over as a person. Just completely reboot my life and my identity.
Lately my my YouTube channel has been doing well, but a lot of content I made for it is a byproduct of consumerism. I played a lot of video games in my lifetime as a byproduct of addiction. Gaming doesn't really make me happy anymore, especially competitive gaming. Trying to be competitive at a video game often makes me angry because I want to be exceptional at games to justify 25 years of video game addiction, but I'm often pissed off that I'm not better at video games. I find it kind of sad and pathetic.
I also can't concentrate well anymore. The pandemic lifestyle is not working well for me because I have attention deficit disorder. To be able to get work done, often times I need to be in an environment with minimal distractions. Living in a tiny house with parents and a ton of cats is not an environment with minimal distractions. Part of why I used to do so well in college is because I would spend much of my time studying books and notes for classes in a campus library. I excel in academic environments, but the cost of education is way too high. My failed attempt to finish my education at a university destroyed me financially to the point where I had to stand in line at food banks in my late twenties. Sometimes I yell at a cat because I'll be trying my best to concentrate, then I hear a meow and my thoughts become scrambled. My ability to deep focus has gone to shit and I frequently feel like my brain does not work well anymore. It's awful and I feel like a former shell of my old self.
I have also become way less social during the pandemic and that has negatively impacted my mental health. A lot of my friends moved further away from me or they currently live in situations that make it more difficult to hang out. I had a vibrant social life for much of my twenties, but nowadays, I'm usually isolated at my home with my parents. I don't like how this pandemic has negatively impacted my life or the life of my friends. I'm frequently depressed and miserable over the current state of my life. I also haven't been invited to a party in over two years, which has made me extremely nostalgic for a time period of my life when I embraced a lot of self destructive behavior at parties.
Life just doesn't seem fun anymore. There was a brief period of time at age 32 when I felt some happiness, but it was short lived and partially a byproduct of me indulging in alcohol for a few weeks. Prior to that, I went 23 months without alcohol to prove to myself that I am not an alcoholic. I don't view myself as an alcoholic because of self control, yet it seems like when I avoid it for long periods of time, I become extremely unhappy. At the same time, my body does not handle alcohol well compared to when I was in my twenties. Even if I only have two drinks, I often feel horrible the next day. I hate getting older and don't look forward to the future. I have tried my best to be optimistic about the future, but my brain will not allow me to happy. Maybe I should try a dopamine detox? Doing that worked well for some people.